Rediscovering Sexual Pleasure: a conversation with sexologist Dr. Sandra Dieben

Discovering sexual pleasure anew within a relationship can be very important. Not because sex needs to be constantly exciting, new, or spectacular, but because sexuality can grow with who you are, both individually and together. Knowing what you find pleasurable, paying attention to your own body and desires, and taking your own boundaries seriously are all forms of self-care in this context. It is precisely from this connection with yourself that you can also connect more deeply with another.

Sexuality can indeed be a way to reconnect with each other: not just physically, but also emotionally. By remaining curious about each other's desires, boundaries, and changes, space for true intimacy arises. Sometimes, that means discovering what you enjoy again; sometimes, it means accepting that something has changed. Sexual pleasure also arises more easily when you feel safe to say what you do and don't want, without judgment or rejection. Trust makes it possible to be vulnerable, experiment, laugh, change your mind, and honestly communicate what you need.

Therefore, constantly rediscovering sexual pleasure doesn't necessarily mean: “How do we keep our sex exciting?” It can also mean: “Who are we now, what do we need now, and how can we reconnect with each other in that?”

When there is room for connection, trust, communication, and self-care, sex can take on a different meaning in various life stages. Sometimes playful and adventurous, sometimes tender and calm, sometimes less present; that too is normal.

Perhaps the most important thing is not to constantly renew sexual pleasure, but to remain curious about each other and yourself.

Intimacy can become monotonous and predictable in a long-term relationship precisely because we often seek safety and familiarity in a relationship. These are important conditions for a loving relationship, but they can sometimes contradict what erotic tension needs: curiosity, surprise, desire, playfulness, and sometimes even a little uncertainty.

At the beginning of a relationship, that tension often arises spontaneously. You don't know each other completely yet, you discover each other, and there is a lot of curiosity. Over time, the other person becomes familiar. That provides peace and security, but the unknown also partially disappears. What was once exciting and new can become part of a fixed pattern.

Moreover, once a couple has found a sexual routine that works 'well enough,' there isn't always an immediate reason to talk about it.

And therein lies an interesting paradox: sex can function perfectly, while the erotic connection slowly becomes less vibrant. The conversation about sex often only takes place when something goes wrong, whereas it can be valuable to talk about it even when everything seemingly goes well.

A long-term relationship therefore sometimes requires a conscious movement between safety and tension. You need the safety to be able to feel vulnerable, but also enough room for individuality, curiosity, and discovery to keep desire alive. It is precisely this balance that can ensure that intimacy not only remains familiar but also vibrant.

There is no fixed number of years after which the dynamic of intimacy within a relationship changes. Intimacy usually moves with a couple's life stage. However, there are recognizable transition moments when the relationship between infatuation, sexuality, emotional connectedness, closeness, and autonomy often changes.

Changes per life stage:

In the first phase, infatuation often takes center stage. Partners experience a lot of attraction, a need for closeness, and sexual tension. The other person receives relatively a lot of attention, and the relationship can feel intensely natural. After an average of one to two years, the intense infatuation decreases for many couples. This does not have to mean a loss of love: the relationship can develop into more attachment, familiarity, and a conscious form of intimacy.

Living together brings a new dynamic. The partner is no longer just the one with whom you share beautiful moments, but also the one with whom you share daily responsibilities, household tasks, finances, and less attractive sides of life. Precisely because of this, sexual tension can change: familiarity and safety increase, while novelty and tension sometimes decrease. From this phase onwards, intimacy more often requires consciously making room for each other.

The arrival of children is one of the biggest changes in intimacy. Sleep deprivation, less privacy, caregiving tasks, and changing priorities can cause sexuality and partner-focused attention to temporarily fade into the background. At the same time, a deeper form of connection can emerge. In a blended family, this process can be different, as partners, in addition to their own relationship, also deal with previous family histories, loyalties, and different parenting roles.

When children become more independent and eventually leave home, new space opens up for the partner relationship. This can mean a rediscovery of intimacy: more time, privacy, and freedom. But it can also be confronting when partners have functioned primarily as parents for years. The question can then arise: who are we actually still as partners, apart from our role as parents?

Retirement once again changes the daily dynamic. Partners spend much more time together and lose an important source of individual structure and identity. This can deepen intimacy, but also reveal tensions that were previously masked by work and other activities. Sexuality can change due to age and physical changes, but intimacy certainly does not have to diminish. Affection, touch, sensuality, humor, emotional closeness, and sexuality can all take on new forms.

A long-term relationship does not have to become less intimate; the form of intimacy changes. It is precisely couples who constantly adapt to the new life phase who often manage to maintain a lasting emotional and physical connection.

Yes, that's largely true. Many couples still love each other, but they are so busy with work, children, household chores, social obligations, and everything else modern life demands, that they hardly consciously connect anymore. The problem then is not a lack of love, but a lack of time, attention, and space for the relationship.

Perfectionism and high expectations of life also play an important role. We want to be good parents, work successfully, live healthily, have a good social life, keep the house in order, and also be a good partner. As a result, the relationship sometimes becomes something that has to fit in, instead of something you consciously continue to choose.

This is also reflected in sexuality. When you talk to each other little, touch each other little, and are mainly occupied with practical matters, sex easily fades into the background. And precisely rewarding sex – sex that provides pleasure, relaxation, connection, and affirmation – can be difficult to achieve when you are constantly tired and stressed. It's hard to feel desire when your head is still full of everything that needs to happen tomorrow.

So love can be very much present, while intimacy slowly disappears.

Research (by Cindy Meston) indeed shows that there are differences in sexual desire and also in the reasons why people want sex. But the idea that women simply "think less about intimacy" than men is too simplistic.

Women appear to want sex for many different reasons: not only for physical desire, but also for intimacy, emotional connection, love, feeling desired, pleasure, and relationship affirmation. Men, on average, more often desire sexual release and orgasm.

However, this does not mean that women have less need for intimacy. It can also mean that desire in women is more often intertwined with the quality of the relationship and the circumstances in which sex takes place.

Therefore, I believe that women do not necessarily think less about intimacy; they may experience intimacy and sex differently and connect it differently with their relationship context.

I would tell her: loss of desire doesn't automatically mean your desire is gone forever. It might be that you've become accustomed to seeing desire as something that has to arise spontaneously. Arousal and desire are the beginning of sexual excitement, and that can actually arise during a positive experience. So you don't have to feel desire first to begin intimacy. A touch, a kiss, attention, relaxation, or sexual stimuli can cause your body and brain to slowly react. From that initial arousal, more desire can then arise. For this, sufficient stimuli and the right context are needed. If you are exhausted, constantly caring for others, experiencing stress, don't feel good about your body, or don't feel emotionally connected to your partner, the sexual system may, so to speak, have little reason to engage. That doesn't mean it's broken. Sexual desire is not a fixed trait that you have or lose forever; it's a system influenced by body, brain, relationship, stimuli, and context.

It often works well to start a conversation small and speak from the "I" perspective. For example: "I notice that I'm curious about...", "I would like to try...", or "I notice this thought excites me." By doing so, you share something about yourself without your partner immediately feeling that they have to change something.

It also helps to be curious about each other's desires. A conversation about sex doesn't have to immediately lead to a decision or action.

Also important is the distinction between a fantasy and a desire. A fantasy is something that can excite you when you think about it or talk about it together; that doesn't automatically mean you actually want to perform it. A desire is something you would genuinely want to experience. Those two can coexist.

The goal is not to eliminate all differences in desire for sexual frequency or repertoire. It's about discovering together where your overlap lies.

In this way, a conversation about sex remains an invitation rather than a negotiation. And precisely that space where you can share something without the other person immediately having to act on it can increase curiosity and intimacy.

My most important advice for rediscovering intimacy is: start with yourself. First, explore what you have enjoyed, where your desires do NOT lie, and what you are curious about. And keep it small; sexuality doesn't have to be an elaborate menu, but see it as a sexual buffet: you can start with an amuse-bouche, an appetizer, or an aperitif. Maybe you discover something that tastes like more, maybe you leave something untouched. There are intermediate courses, main courses, a cheese platter, and a dessert, but also soft drinks, wine, or hot beverages. You don't have to take everything to have a good meal. Perhaps a certain touch is already nice, or showering together, a longer kiss, massaging each other, sharing fantasies, or simply taking more time. Small experiences can help you rediscover what your body and your desire find pleasurable. In this, I find equality and reciprocity very important. Both partners are allowed to desire, set boundaries, be curious, and also choose NOT to participate in something. Everything can be open for discussion as long as there is consent – voluntary and mutual agreement – but nothing has to be. Because ultimately: your sex is yours!