Difference in desire

1 What exactly do we mean by "desire discrepancy," in one simple explanation?

Desire discrepancy means that people have different needs, different wants, and different boundaries. People always have a desire discrepancy; they are different people, so they never want exactly the same thing at the same time with the same intensity. Everyone has a sexual desire discrepancy with their partner, and that is completely normal. This desire discrepancy can grow larger and smaller as you change, your partner changes, and your context changes, because your life is, ideally, always in motion. Your needs, wants, and boundaries are always in flux, and so sometimes you can be quite in sync for a long time, and sometimes you can move apart and then find each other again. There is always a desire discrepancy.

2 How common is this among couples, and why is it so normal?

It always happens to everyone. Sometimes the sexual desire discrepancy is relatively small and manageable because there is enough overlap in desires. In such cases, partners can find what works for both of them, and it's simply okay. However, sometimes the discrepancy is larger, for example, due to illness, having children, or high stress, which can cause desires to diverge further. If these differences are significant or grow larger during the relationship, it becomes more difficult to find common ground, and people sometimes seek a sex therapist to see if they can bridge those differences.

3 Is this difference always about sex, or is it often about something else?

Living with another person always involves navigating differences, because the other person is different. It's constantly about what you want, what I want. You notice this in small things like what we eat, what TV shows we watch, how much social contact we have, and what time we go to bed. There's a difference in everything; people never want exactly the same thing at the same time. This applies not only to everyday choices but also to sexuality, intimacy, and spending time together. It's actually about everything.

4 Why do many couples still feel like it's a sex problem?

People also experience a desire discrepancy when it comes to all sorts of other things. However, the difference with sexuality and intimacy is that people in a monogamous relationship agree to only share that with each other. For other things, like going out to eat or to the movies, you can resolve the difference by going with someone else. With sexuality, that often doesn't happen, and partners have to resolve it together. As a result, a sexual desire discrepancy in a monogamous relationship is much more clearly perceived as a problem.

5 What are the most common causes of desire discrepancy?

In sexology, desire discrepancy is often viewed through the ‘bio-psycho-social model’. This means that biological, psychological, and sociological (relational) factors influence desire for sex, both for you and your partner, which can cause desires to diverge.
Biological factors include things like illness, having a child, menopause, medication, alcohol, drugs, fatigue, and pain. Major changes, such as Crohn's disease or breast cancer, almost always affect sexual desire.
Psychological factors include stress, burnout, depression or anxiety, for example, due to having children or caring for parents. This influences how much space you have for yourself and for another.
Sociological and relational factors concern the dynamic with your partner and how it changes over time. For example, due to family expansion, illness, or loss of work (spending a lot of time at home, on top of each other), or due to breaches of trust such as infidelity, but also due to other broken agreements, resentment, or relationship problems, which can lead to a decrease in desire.

6 Stress often plays a role. What happens to desire when your mind is always active, and what is a simple piece of advice you often give?

Stress often plays a role, but people react differently. If sex is seen as something positive and relaxing, stress can sometimes lead to a greater desire for sex. If sex feels like something on a to-do list, stress more often leads to less desire. It helps to understand what you associate with sex and to discuss that with your partner. If your head is full, it can help to verbalize what's still on your mind and to discuss together what needs to be resolved first, for example, dividing tasks and agreeing on a later time. And sometimes it's also okay to say, today is just not the day, my head is too full.

7 What is the influence of hormones and physical changes, for example after childbirth or around menopause, and when is extra help useful?

After childbirth and during breastfeeding, the arousal system often doesn't activate as easily. It takes longer for the body to respond, and orgasm can be more difficult. This is also often seen during menopause, where arousal is harder to initiate, and orgasm can be more difficult to achieve or feel less intense. As a result, some women experience little reward, which affects their motivation.
Hormones play a major role here, but other factors such as lack of sleep, lack of privacy, and a lot of responsibility are also factors. In addition, the body changes, for example, after childbirth or around menopause. Some women may feel physically recovered, but psychologically not yet ready for sex. During menopause, dryness, altered fat distribution, and increased sweating can also play a role. It is therefore a combination of hormonal and psychological changes that can make it difficult.
Extra help is needed when you feel that you cannot resolve the situation yourself, but you do want to. The first step is often to visit the GP to discuss it and possibly get a referral. You can also see a sexologist without a referral, although in that case, the costs are often not reimbursed. In addition, menopause consultants and gynecologists can help with the medical aspect.

8 Is desire discrepancy more common in women than in men, or is that a misconception?

A desire discrepancy is always relative to the other person, meaning that both experience a difference, one wanting more and the other less. It always depends on the interplay between you and your partner. With one partner, you might be the one who wants less, while with another partner, you might be the one who wants more. But since sexual desire fluctuates throughout life, your role can also change within a relationship with the same partner. Although it is often thought that men more often want more than women, in my practice I see almost as many women who want more than their husbands.

9 How do you know if it's "just" a desire discrepancy and not a loss of love or attraction?

A desire discrepancy is always relative; there's one who wants more and one who wants less. What I often observe in the dynamic is that the person who wants more constantly probes for signals. As soon as the other, who wants less, makes a slight overture, the one who wants more quickly interprets it as an invitation. Yet, the other might have only wanted a hug. If that overture is immediately perceived as the start of sex, the person who wants less might withdraw to avoid expectations, disappointment, and guilt.
This creates a pattern where one person increasingly pushes, and the other increasingly distances themselves. As a result, not only sex but often intimacy disappears. Sometimes a sort of "ice age" develops, where people avoid each other, go to bed earlier or get up earlier, get dressed separately, and no longer give signals. Easy physical contact, such as a hug, a hand on a leg, or a kiss on the neck, vanishes. Many people deeply miss that intimacy. They often say they would like to have sex more often, but primarily long for the intimacy to return.

10 How do you ensure both partners feel safe, that saying 'no' is allowed, and what is your advice to increase that safety?

Safety is the foundation. Sex must always be consensual and pleasurable. Sexologists often say, do it with pleasure or don't do it at all. It doesn't matter what you do—kissing, massaging, or penetrative sex—as long as it's pleasurable for both. As soon as it stops giving pleasure, 'no' must be an option. As a partner, it's important to support the other in this, even if it's sometimes difficult. Instead of reacting with disappointment, you can say you're sorry, but appreciate that it was communicated, and then together you can see what would be nice or accept that it's enough for today. When it remains non-committal and there's room to say 'no', the chances are greater that intimacy will remain pleasant and be sought out more often.

11 What expectations about intimacy are often unspoken and how does that create pressure or distance?

People have different expectations about sexuality, but much remains unspoken. What I often hear is the idea that sex should be spontaneous, and if it's not spontaneous, then it's not real. While most sex is not spontaneous, and desire for sex does not arise spontaneously.

Another common expectation is that your partner should instinctively know what you like, what you want, and where your boundary lies, and if you have to say it, perhaps you're not a good match or not soulmates. Talking during sex is also often seen as a mood killer, as if it's not erotic and therefore everything must happen without words.
But only you can experience what something is like for you. Your nerve pathways, after all, go to your head, not your partner's. The other person doesn't feel what you feel, so you really have to say it.

12 What is your professional advice for discussing this without arguing, without guilt, and without anyone feeling rejected?

You cannot control how someone feels. So, it's possible that you say something politely and kindly, and the other person still feels rejected. You have no influence over that. What you can do, however, is reduce the likelihood of that happening by making it clear that your intention is not to reject the other person, argue, or make them feel bad, but to discuss something important to you.
It helps to state your intention first. Then you can calmly explain what's happening for you. After that, it's important to specify what you would like to see changed and to ask for the other person's thoughts on it.
If the other person expresses something, it's good to ask probing questions. What exactly do you mean? Can you explain that so I can better understand you? The inclination might be to defend yourself or cut the other person off, but what you actually want is to truly try to understand the other person. What are you trying to say? Why is this important to you? What would you like from me?

13 How important are pleasure and playfulness, and how do you bring them back without performance pressure?

Pleasure is the most important thing. It's not about whether you experience arousal, whether you climax, or whether you have sex. It's about having fun together. If you have that feeling, you're doing it right, whatever you're doing. That can be sex, kissing, cuddling, bathing together, or walking hand-in-hand.

Playfulness can help. Some people aren't very playful or creative and do the same thing every time and are content with it; if that works for everyone involved, that's okay. But research shows that if you keep doing the same thing, arousal generally decreases. Playfulness or creativity can help keep things exciting and light-hearted.
It also ensures that you are better equipped to deal with changes in a long-term relationship. For example, if you develop rheumatism and can no longer do a certain position, or if penetrative sex causes pain, playfulness and creativity can help find solutions. That makes your sex life more resilient.

14 What is one small, safe step a couple can take today to get closer again?

One step I often have couples take is to abstain from sex for a while, but to seek physical proximity again. This breaks the dynamic in which all intimacy and touch have disappeared. By agreeing that it doesn't have to lead anywhere and that no sex will follow, space is created to simply sit close to each other again, place a hand on a knee, give a kiss on the neck, or send a loving message.
That helps to relieve the pressure. From this renewed physical proximity, a new foundation of trust and safety can emerge, from which sex may eventually become a logical consequence.

15 When is it smart to seek help, and what is a good first step if you don't know where to start?

It's smart to seek help as soon as you think you could benefit from it. Most people wait too long. If you're not getting out of a situation well or just want to talk about it, you can already seek help. A starting point is the NVVS website, nvvs.info; there you'll find well-trained sexologists and consultants, and you can search by postcode. This way you can find a good therapist near you.

16 As an expert, I find your professional opinion on this very valuable: what role can Touch-Me and its product range play in helping couples when they experience desire discrepancy?

There is always a desire discrepancy, but what you can do is look for the overlap and where you can find common ground. Together, you can explore what might work for both of you and what you both have an interest in. This could be a sexy outfit, a new toy, or anything else that promotes sexual pleasure.
But it can also be broader, such as massaging each other, showering together, or trying other forms of sex. The point is to discover where the overlap lies and build from there. Touch-Me products can help with this, by offering possibilities to jointly explore what is pleasant and interesting for both of you.

17 What is the biggest myth you often hear about sex?

The biggest myth I often hear is that sex should arise spontaneously, that you look each other in the eyes and can no longer resist each other. That might feel that way at the beginning of a relationship, without obligations or pressure, but in a long-term relationship, many more factors often play a role. The desire for sex almost never arises spontaneously.
Even at the beginning of a relationship, it wasn't spontaneous, but prepared. People planned a date, dressed nicely, made sure the house was clean, asked each other questions, made time and paid attention to each other. A setting was created, as it were, in which desire could arise.
Ten years later, people sometimes expect that same feeling to return on its own, even though the circumstances are very different. With work, children, and responsibilities, you have to consciously make time and space for each other again. That doesn't mean you have to plan sex, but you do plan to seek each other out, give attention, and make mental space.
Small preparations can help, such as creating atmosphere, putting on something nice, making the space comfortable, or consciously taking time for each other. This way, space can be created in which desire can grow.

18 If you could give one reassuring message or tip, what would it be?

Experiencing struggles in the sexual realm from time to time is completely normal. Sexual desire comes and goes. People who communicate about it, dare to listen to themselves, and can express their wishes and boundaries to each other, can generally have a long and fulfilling sex life, even if it's sometimes less and at other times more. They know how to handle these fluctuations together.

And if it doesn't work out or you can't figure it out together, know that there is help available to facilitate those conversations and think along with you.

Touch-Me had the opportunity to interview Joline Spoelstra. Thanks to experts like her, at Touch-Me you'll find not only a refined selection of premium products but also reliable information and guidance when needed. We believe that knowledge, quality, and trust go hand in hand with intimacy.

Visit www.jolienspoelstra.nl for more specific information.