Difference in desire

1 What exactly do we mean by “difference in desire,” in one simple explanation?

Differences in sexual desire mean that people have different needs, desires, and boundaries. People always have different desires; they are different people, so they never want exactly the same thing at the same time. Everyone has a difference in sexual desire with their partner, and that's completely normal. That difference in desire can grow and shrink because you change, your partner changes, and your context changes, because your life is always in flux, ideally. Your needs, desires, and boundaries are always evolving, and so you can sometimes be relatively synchronized for a long time, and sometimes drift apart and find each other again. There is always a difference in desire.

2 How often does this happen in couples, and why is it so normal?

It happens to everyone. Sometimes the difference in sexual desire is relatively small and easily bridged, because there's enough overlap in desires. Then partners can find what works for both of them, and it's just okay. Sometimes, however, the difference is greater, for example, due to illness, having children, or a lot of stress, which can cause desires to diverge further. If those differences are significant or increase over the course of the relationship, it becomes more difficult to find overlap, and people sometimes consult a sexologist to see if they can bridge those differences.

3 Is this difference always about sex, or is it often about something else?

Living with another person is always navigating differences, because that person is different. It's constantly about what you want, what I want. You see this in small things like what we eat, which TV shows we watch, how much social interaction we have, and what time we go to bed. There's difference everywhere; people never want exactly the same thing at the same time. This applies not only to everyday choices, but also to sexuality, intimacy, and spending time together. It's about everything, really.

4 Why do many couples still feel like it's a sex problem?

People also experience a difference in desire when it comes to all sorts of other things. The difference with sexuality and intimacy, however, is that people in a monogamous relationship agree to share that desire only with each other. With other things, like going out to dinner or the movies, you can resolve the difference by going with someone else. With sexuality, that often doesn't happen, and partners have to resolve it together. Therefore, a difference in sexual desire in a monogamous relationship is much more clearly perceived as a problem.

5 What are the most common causes of difference in desire?

In sexology, differences in desire are often viewed through the "bio-psycho-social model." This means that biological, psychological, and sociological (relationship) factors influence sex drive, both for you and your partner, which can cause desires to diverge.
Biological factors include things like illness, having a baby, menopause, medication, alcohol, drugs, fatigue, and pain. Major changes, such as Crohn's disease or breast cancer, almost always affect sex drive.
Psychological factors include stress, burnout, depression, or anxiety, for example, from having children or caring for parents. This affects how much time you have for yourself and for others.
Sociological and relationship factors concern the dynamics with your partner and how they change over time. For example, due to family expansion, illness, or job loss (living at home a lot, living in close quarters), or breaches of trust such as infidelity, but also due to other broken agreements, resentment, or relationship problems, which can lead to a decrease in desire.

6. Stress often plays a role. What happens to desire when your mind is always on, and what's some simple advice you often give?

Stress often plays a role, but people react differently. If sex is seen as something positive and relaxing, stress can sometimes actually lead to an increased desire for sex. If sex feels like something on a to-do list, stress more often leads to a decreased desire. It helps to understand what you associate with sex and discuss it with your partner. If your mind is full, it can be helpful to identify what's still on your mind and work together to figure out what needs to be resolved first, for example, dividing tasks and meeting up later. And sometimes it's okay to say, "Today just isn't the day, my head is too full."

7 What is the influence of hormones and physical changes, for example after childbirth or around menopause, and when is extra help useful?

After giving birth and while breastfeeding, the arousal system often becomes less responsive. It takes longer for the body to respond, and orgasm can be more difficult. This is also common during menopause, where arousal struggles to develop, orgasms become harder to achieve, or orgasms can feel less intense. As a result, some women experience little reward, which affects their motivation.
Hormones play a major role in this, but other factors such as lack of sleep, limited privacy, and a high level of responsibility also play a role. In addition, the body changes, for example, after childbirth or around menopause. Some women may feel physically recovered, but mentally not yet ready for sex. Dryness, changes in fat distribution, and increased sweating can also play a role during menopause. It's therefore a combination of hormonal and psychological changes that can make things difficult.
Additional support is needed when you feel you can't manage it yourself, but still want to. The first step is often to talk to your GP about it and, if necessary, get a referral. You can also see a sexologist without a referral, although this is often not covered by insurance. Menopause consultants and gynecologists can also assist with the medical aspects.

8. Is there a greater difference in desire in women than in men, or is that a misunderstanding?

A difference in desire is always relative to the other, meaning both experience a difference; one wants more and the other less. It always depends on the interaction between you and your partner. With one partner, you might be the one who wants less, while with another, you might be the one who wants more. But since sex drive fluctuates throughout life, your role can also change during a relationship with the same partner. While it's often thought that men often want more than women, in my practice, I see almost as many women who want more than their husbands.

9 How do you know if it's “just” a difference in desire and not the love or attraction that's gone?

A difference in desire is always relative; there's one who wants more and one who wants less. What I often see in this dynamic is that the one who wants more is constantly reading signals. As soon as the other, who wants less, makes even a slight approach, the one who wants more quickly assumes it's an invitation. While they might have just wanted a hug. If that approach is immediately interpreted as the start of sex, the one who wants less can withdraw to avoid expectations, disappointment, and guilt.
This creates a pattern in which one person becomes increasingly insistent while the other increasingly distances themselves. As a result, not only does sex disappear, but often the intimacy as well. Sometimes a kind of ice age develops, people avoid each other, go to bed earlier or get up earlier, dress separately, and stop giving signals. Easy physical contact, like a hug, a hand on a leg, or a kiss on the neck, disappears. Many people miss that intimacy deeply. They often say they'd like to have sex more often, but above all, they long for the intimacy to return.

10 How to make sure both partners feel safe, that 'no' You may say so, and what is your advice to increase that safety?

Safety is fundamental. Sex should always be consensual and enjoyable. Sexologists often say, "Do it with pleasure or don't do it at all." It doesn't matter what you do—kissing, massage, or penetrative sex—as long as it's enjoyable for both of you. As soon as it's no longer enjoyable, you should be able to say "no." As a partner, it's important to support each other in this, even if that's sometimes difficult. Instead of reacting with disappointment, you can say you're sorry but appreciate it being brought up. Then you can explore together what feels good or accept that it's enough for today. When it remains casual and there's room to say "no," the chances are greater that intimacy will remain enjoyable and will be sought more often.

11 What expectations about intimacy are often left unspoken, and how does that create pressure or distance?

People have different expectations about sexuality, but much remains unspoken. What I often hear is the idea that sex should be spontaneous, and if it isn't spontaneous, it's not real. Yet, most sex isn't spontaneous, and desire for sex doesn't arise spontaneously.

A common expectation is that your partner should be able to sense what you like, what you want, and where your boundaries lie. If you have to say so, you might not be a good match, or even soulmates. Talking during sex is often seen as a mood killer, as if it's not erotic and should therefore be done without words.
But only you can experience what something is like for you. Your nerves naturally run to your head, not your partner's. The other person doesn't feel what you feel, so you have to truly say it.

12 What is your professional advice for talking about this without arguing, without feeling guilty, and without anyone feeling rejected?

You can't control how someone feels. So you might say something polite and kind, and they might still feel rejected. You have no control over that. What you can do is reduce the chance of that happening by making it clear that your intention isn't to reject them, start an argument, or make them feel bad, but to discuss something that's important to you.
It helps to first state your intention. Then you can calmly explain what's happening. Next, it's important to specify what you'd like to change and ask the other person for their opinion.
If the other person points something out, it's good to ask further. What exactly do you mean? Can you explain it so I can understand you better? The tendency might be to defend yourself or cut the other person off, but what you really want is to try to understand them. What are you trying to say? Why is this important to you? What would you like from me?

13 How important are fun and playfulness and how do you bring that back without performance pressure?

Pleasure is the most important thing. It's not about whether you experience arousal, whether you climax, or whether you have sex. It's about having fun together. If you feel that way, you're doing it right, whatever you're doing. It could be sex, kissing, cuddling, taking a bath together, or walking hand in hand.

Playfulness can help. Some people aren't as playful or creative and do the same thing over and over again, and are happy with that. If it works for everyone involved, that's fine. But research shows that if you keep doing the same thing, arousal generally decreases. Playfulness or creativity can help keep things exciting and lighthearted.
It also makes you more resilient to change in a long-term relationship. For example, if you develop arthritis and can no longer manage a certain position, or if penetrative sex is painful, playfulness and creativity can help you find solutions. This makes your sex life more resilient.

14 What is one small, safe step a couple can take today to become closer together again?

A step I often encourage couples to take is to abstain from sex for a while, but to re-establish physical closeness. This breaks the dynamic where all intimacy and touch have vanished. By agreeing that it doesn't have to lead to anything and that sex won't follow, you create space to simply sit together again, put a hand on a knee, give a kiss on the neck, or send a sweet message.
That helps relieve the pressure. From that renewed physical closeness, a foundation of trust and safety can re-emerge, from which sex might eventually become a logical consequence.

15 When is it wise to seek help and what is a good first step if you don't know where to start?

It's wise to seek help as soon as you think it might benefit you. Most people wait too long. If you're struggling to get out of a situation or just want to talk about it, you can already seek help. A good starting point is the NVVS website, nvvs.info, where you'll find well-trained sexologists and counselors. You can search by postal code. This way, you can find a good therapist near you.

16 As an expert, I find your professional opinion on this very valuable: what role can Touch-Me play with its range to help couples when they experience differences in desire?

There's always a difference in desire, but what you can do is explore where the overlap lies and where you can find common ground. Together, you can explore what might work for both of you and what you're both interested in. That might be a sexy outfit, a new toy, or something else that enhances sexual pleasure.
But it can also be broader, like massaging each other, showering together, or trying other forms of sex. It's about discovering where the overlap lies and building on that. Touch-Me products can help with this by offering opportunities to explore together what you both find pleasurable and interesting.

17 What is the biggest myth you often hear about sex?

The biggest myth I often hear is that sex should happen spontaneously, that you look each other in the eye and can't resist. That might feel like it at the beginning of a relationship, without obligations or pressure, but in a long-term relationship, many more factors often come into play. The desire for sex never really comes spontaneously.
Even at the beginning of a relationship, it wasn't spontaneous, but prepared. People planned a date, dressed up, kept the house clean, asked each other questions, made time, and paid attention to each other. A setting was created, so to speak, in which desire could blossom.
Ten years later, people sometimes expect that same feeling to return naturally, while circumstances are very different. With work, children, and responsibilities, you have to consciously make time and space for each other again. This doesn't mean you have to plan sex, but it does mean you have to plan to visit each other, give each other attention, and create mental space.
Small preparations can help, like creating an atmosphere, wearing something nice, making the space comfortable, or consciously taking time for each other. This creates the space where desire can grow.

18 If you could give one reassuring message or tip, what would it be?

Experiencing occasional sexual struggles is perfectly normal. Sex drives come and go. People who communicate about these issues, are willing to listen to themselves, and can express their desires and boundaries can generally enjoy a long and fulfilling sex life, even if it's less so at times and more so at others. They know how to manage these fluctuations together.

And if it doesn't work out or you can't figure it out together, know that there is help available to facilitate those conversations and think along with you.

Touch-Me had the privilege of interviewing Joline Spoelstra. Thanks to experts like her, at Touch-Me you'll find not only a refined selection of premium products, but also reliable information and guidance when you need it. We believe that knowledge, quality, and trust go hand in hand with intimacy.

Visit www.jolienspoelstra.nl for more specific information.