Difference in desire

1 What exactly do we mean by "difference in desire," in one simple explanation?

Difference in sexual desire means that people have different needs, different wishes, and different boundaries. People always have a difference in desire; they are different people, so they will never want exactly the same thing with the same intensity at the same time. Everyone has a difference in sexual desire with their partner, and that is completely normal. That difference in desire can become larger or smaller as you change, your partner changes, and your context changes, because your life is, ideally, always in motion. Your needs, wishes, and boundaries are always in flux, and so you might sometimes run quite synchronously for a long time, and then move apart again and find each other once more. There is always a difference in desire.

2 How common is this among couples, and why is it so normal?

It always occurs in everyone. Sometimes the difference in sexual desire is relatively small and easy to bridge because there's enough overlap in desires. In that case, partners can find common ground in what works for both, and it's simply okay. Sometimes, however, the difference is greater, for example, due to illness, having children, or a lot of stress, which can cause desires to diverge further. If these differences are large or grow larger during the relationship, it becomes more difficult to find overlap, and people sometimes consult a sexologist to see if they can bridge those differences.

3 Is this difference always about sex, or is it often about something else?

Living with another person always involves navigating differences, because that other person is different. It's constantly about what you want, what I want. You notice this in small things like what we eat, what TV shows we watch, how many social contacts we have, and what time we go to bed. There's a difference in everything; people never want exactly the same thing at the same time. This applies not only to everyday choices but also to sexuality, intimacy, and spending time together. It's essentially about everything.

4 Why do many couples still feel like it's a sex problem?

People experience a difference in desire when it comes to all sorts of other things too. The difference with sexuality and intimacy, however, is that people in a monogamous relationship agree to share that only with each other. For other things, like going out to eat or to the movies, you can resolve the difference by going with someone else. With sexuality, that often doesn't happen, and partners have to resolve it together. As a result, a difference in sexual desire in a monogamous relationship is much more clearly perceived as a problem.

5 What are the most common causes of difference in desire?

In sexology, a difference in desire is often examined through the 'bio-psycho-social model'. This means that biological, psychological, and sociological (relational) factors influence sexual desire, both in you and your partner, which can cause desires to diverge.
Biological factors include things like illness, having a baby, menopause, medication, alcohol, drugs, fatigue, and pain. Major changes, such as Crohn's disease or breast cancer, almost always affect sexual desire.
Psychological factors include stress, burnout, depression or anxiety, for example, due to having children or caring for parents. This affects how much space you have for yourself and for another.
Sociological and relational factors concern the dynamic with your partner and how it changes over time. For example, due to family expansion, illness or job loss (lots of time at home, on top of each other) or due to breaches of trust such as infidelity, but also other broken agreements, resentment, or relationship problems, which can lead to reduced desire.

6 Stress often plays a role. What happens to desire when your mind is constantly on, and what is a simple piece of advice you often give?

Stress often plays a role, but people react differently. If sex is seen as something positive and relaxing, stress can sometimes lead to more sexual desire. If sex feels like another item on a to-do list, stress more often leads to less desire. It helps to understand for yourself what you associate with sex and to discuss that with your partner. If your mind is full, it can help to articulate what's still on your mind and collaboratively figure out what needs to be resolved first, for example, dividing tasks and making plans for later. And sometimes it's also okay to say, "Today just isn't the day, my mind is too full."

7 What is the influence of hormones and physical changes, for example after childbirth or around menopause, and when is extra help useful in these situations?

After childbirth and during breastfeeding, it is often observed that the arousal system is less easily activated. It takes longer for the body to respond, and orgasm can be more difficult. This is also often seen during menopause, where arousal is harder to initiate, and an orgasm is more difficult to achieve or may feel less intense. As a result, some women experience little reward, which affects their motivation.
Hormones play a significant role here, but other factors such as lack of sleep, lack of privacy, and significant responsibility are also factors. Additionally, the body changes, for example, after childbirth or around menopause. Some women may feel physically recovered but not yet psychologically ready for sex. During menopause, dryness, altered fat distribution, and increased sweating can also play a role. It is therefore a combination of hormonal and psychological changes that can make it difficult.
Extra help is needed when you feel that you cannot resolve the situation yourself, but you do want to resolve it. The first step is often to visit your GP to discuss it and possibly get a referral. You can also see a sexologist without a referral, although in that case, the help is often not reimbursed. In addition, menopause consultants and gynaecologists can help with the medical aspects.

8 Is a difference in desire more common in women than in men, or is that a misconception?

A difference in desire is always relative to the other person, meaning both experience a difference, one wanting more and the other less. It always depends on the interplay between you and your partner. With one partner, you might be the one who wants less, while with another partner, you might be the one who wants more. But since sexual desire fluctuates throughout your life, your role can also change during a relationship with the same partner. Although it is often thought that men want sex more often than women, in my practice I see almost as many women who want sex more than their husbands.

9 How do you know if it's "just" a difference in desire and not a loss of love or attraction?

A difference in desire is always relative; there's one who wants more and one who wants less. What I often see in the dynamic is that the one who wants more constantly scans for signals. As soon as the other, who wants less, makes a small move of closeness, the one who wants more quickly assumes it's an invitation. While the other might have only wanted a hug. If that closeness is immediately interpreted as the start of sex, the one who wants less might withdraw to avoid expectations, disappointment, and guilt.
This creates a pattern where one person pushes more and more, and the other person withdraws more and more. As a result, not only sex but often intimacy disappears. Sometimes a kind of ice age sets in, people avoid each other, go to bed earlier or get up earlier, change separately, and no longer give signals. Easy physical contact, like a hug, a hand on a leg, or a kiss on the neck, disappears. Many people intensely miss that intimacy. They often say they would like to have sex more often, but what they really long for is the return of intimacy.

10 How do you ensure both partners feel safe, that saying 'no' is allowed, and what is your advice to increase that safety?

Safety is the foundation. Sex must always be consensual and pleasurable. Sexologists often say, do it with pleasure or don't do it at all. It doesn't matter what you do, whether it's kissing, massaging, or penetrative sex, as long as it's pleasurable for both. As soon as it stops being pleasurable, 'no' must be able to be said. As a partner, it's important to support the other in this, even if it's sometimes difficult. Instead of reacting with disappointment, you can say that you're sorry, but appreciate that it's being communicated, and then you can together see what else might feel good or accept that it's enough for today. When it remains non-committal and there's room to say 'no', the chances are greater that intimacy remains pleasant and is sought out more often.

11 Which expectations about intimacy are often not expressed, and how does this create pressure or distance?

People have different expectations about sexuality, but much is left unsaid. What I often hear is the idea that sex should be spontaneous, and if it's not spontaneous, then it's not real. Yet most sex isn't spontaneous, and sexual desire doesn't arise spontaneously.

Another common expectation is that your partner should be able to sense what you like, what you want, and where your boundary lies, and if you have to say it, maybe you're not a good match, or not soulmates. Talking during sex is also often seen as a mood killer, as if it's not erotic and therefore everything should happen without words.
But only you can experience how something is for you. Your nerve pathways go to your brain, not your partner's. The other person doesn't feel what you feel, so you really have to say it.

12 What is your professional advice on how to discuss this without arguing, without guilt, and without anyone feeling rejected?

You cannot control how someone feels. So, it's possible that you say something politely and kindly, and the other person still feels rejected. You have no influence over that. What you can do, however, is reduce the chance of that happening by making it clear that your intention is not to reject the other person, argue, or make them feel bad, but to discuss something that is important to you.
It helps to first state your intention. Then, you can calmly explain what's happening for you. After that, it's important to be concrete about what you would like to see differently and to ask your partner for their thoughts on it.
If the other person says something, it's good to ask follow-up questions. What exactly do you mean? Can you explain that so I can understand you better? The tendency might be to defend yourself or cut the other person off, but what you really want is to genuinely try to understand them. What are you trying to say? Why is this important to you? What would you want from me?

13 How important are pleasure and playfulness, and how do you bring them back without performance pressure?

Pleasure is the most important thing. It's not about whether you experience arousal, whether you climax, or whether you have sex. It's about having fun together. If you have that feeling, you're doing well, whatever you're doing. That can be sex, kissing, cuddling, bathing together, or walking hand-in-hand.

Playfulness can help. Some people aren't very playful or creative and do the same thing every time, and they're content with that; if it works for everyone involved, that's okay. But research tells us that if you keep doing the same thing, arousal generally decreases. Playfulness or creativity can help to keep things exciting and light.
It also ensures that in a long-term relationship, you are better equipped to handle changes. For example, if you develop rheumatism and can no longer do a certain position, or if penetrative sex becomes painful, playfulness and creativity can help find solutions. That makes your sex life more resilient.

14 What is one small, safe step a couple can take today to get closer again?

One step I often have couples take is to abstain from sex for a while, but to actively seek physical closeness again. This breaks the dynamic where all intimacy and touch have disappeared. By agreeing that it doesn't have to lead to anything and that sex won't follow, space is created to simply sit close together again, place a hand on a knee, give a kiss on the neck, or send a sweet message.
This helps to relieve the pressure. From this renewed physical closeness, a new foundation of trust and safety can emerge, from which sex might eventually become a logical consequence.

15 When is it smart to seek help, and what is a good first step if you don't know where to start?

It's smart to seek help as soon as you think you might benefit from it. Most people wait too long. If you're not getting out of a situation well or just want to talk about it, you can already seek help. A starting point is the NVVS website, nvvs.info; there you'll find well-trained sexologists and consultants, and you can search by postcode. This way, you can find a good therapist near you.

16 As an expert, I find your professional opinion on this very valuable: what role can Touch-Me with its product range play in helping couples when they experience a difference in desire?

There's always a difference in desire, but what you can do is look for where the overlap is and where you can find common ground. Together, you can explore what might work for both of you and what you both have an interest in. This could be, for example, a sexy outfit, a new toy, or something else that promotes sexual pleasure.
But it can also be broader, such as massaging each other, showering together, or trying other forms of sex. The point is to discover where the overlap lies and to build from there. Touch-Me products can help with this by offering opportunities to explore together what is pleasant and interesting for both of you.

17 What is the biggest myth you often hear about sex?

The biggest myth I often hear is that sex should arise spontaneously, that you look into each other's eyes and can no longer resist each other. That might feel that way at the beginning of a relationship, without obligations or pressure, but in a long-term relationship, many more factors often play a role. Sexual desire almost never arises spontaneously.
Even at the beginning of a relationship, it wasn't spontaneous, but prepared. People planned a date, wore something nice, made sure the house was clean, asked each other questions, made time, and paid attention to each other. A setting was created, as it were, in which desire could arise.
Ten years later, people sometimes expect that same feeling to return on its own, even though the circumstances are very different. With work, children, and responsibilities, you have to consciously make time and space for each other again. That doesn't mean you have to schedule sex, but it does mean you plan to seek each other out, give attention, and make mental space.
Small preparations can help, such as creating an atmosphere, wearing something nice, making the space comfortable, or consciously taking time for each other. This way, space can be created in which desire can grow.

18 If you could offer one reassuring message or tip, what would it be?

Occasionally experiencing struggles in the sexual realm is completely normal. Sexual desire comes and goes. People who communicate about it, dare to listen to themselves, and can express their wishes and boundaries to each other can generally have a long and fulfilling sex life, even if it's sometimes less and at other times more. They know how to handle those fluctuations together.

And if it doesn't work out or you can't resolve it together, know that there is help available to facilitate those conversations and think along with you.

Touch-Me had the opportunity to interview Joline Spoelstra. Thanks to experts like her, at Touch-Me you'll not only find a refined selection of premium products, but also reliable information and guidance when needed. We believe that knowledge, quality, and trust go hand in hand with intimacy.

Visitwww.jolienspoelstra.nl for more specific information.