Jeremy Heshof on stress, libido, intimacy, and relationships

For this exclusive interview, Touch-Me spoke with Jeremy Heshof, sexologist, registered ACT therapist, relationship therapist, and therapist for pornography and sex addiction. In this conversation, Jeremy shares his insights on stress, libido, intimacy, and relationships.

1. Why can you still love someone but not be in the mood for sex?

Touch-Me:
Why can you still love someone but not be in the mood for sex?

Jeremy Heshof:
Love and sex are not automatically the same. You can love someone without automatically having sexual desire for them. At the beginning of a relationship, people often make a lot of effort to win each other over. As a result, sex is often more intense and frequent.

As a relationship progresses, a sense of familiarity can develop. People sometimes invest less in the connection, less in themselves, and become more focused on their own routines. That doesn't mean the love is gone. According to Jeremy, it's common for someone to still think: I want to share my life with this person, even though sex has become less of a priority.

2. Why does touch sometimes feel like an obligation when your mind is full?

Touch-Me:
Why does touch sometimes feel like an obligation when your mind is full?

Jeremy Heshof:
According to Jeremy, everything starts with the meaning someone attributes to touch. When a partner believes that every touch must automatically lead to sex, even a loving hug can feel like pressure.

Many people don't communicate about this, leading to misunderstandings. The real conversation often isn't about sex, but about expectations, fatigue, and the need for rest. Therefore, Jeremy advises discussing what someone needs and what touch means to them, outside of the moment itself.

3. Why do couples lose each other precisely when they need each other most?

Touch-Me:
Why do couples lose each other precisely when they need each other most?

Jeremy Heshof:
Jeremy first raises the question of whether people can actually always help each other at those moments. When both partners are overloaded, there's sometimes an expectation that the other will resolve the stress. As a result, support can turn into pressure.

According to him, it's important to regularly discuss how both partners are doing, what someone needs, and whether the other has the capacity to provide that at the moment.

4. When is it time to seek help?

Touch-Me:
When is it time to seek help?

Jeremy Heshof:
Many people, according to Jeremy, wait too long for relationship therapy. Often, patterns have been present for years. As soon as the same problems keep recurring, conversations stall, or there's unspoken dissatisfaction, it might be wise to seek professional help.

The sooner couples start talking, the greater the chance that the connection will be maintained.

5. Why do couples find it easier to talk about work stress than about decreased desire?

Touch-Me:
Why do couples find it easier to talk about work stress than about decreased desire?

Jeremy Heshof:
Work stress usually feels less personal. Decreased desire directly touches on feelings of attractiveness, rejection, and self-worth. As a result, people feel attacked more quickly.

Jeremy often sees partners become defensive because of this, while the other is actually just trying to explain what's going on.

6. How do you recognize that your libido hasn't disappeared, but is temporarily under pressure?

Touch-Me:
How do you recognize that your libido hasn't disappeared, but is temporarily under pressure?

Jeremy Heshof:
Jeremy describes libido as an interplay of factors. Stress, physical health, hormones, medication, and environment all play a role.

A question he often asks is whether someone individually still experiences desire. If desire is still present outside the relationship, but not within it, that can indicate relationship problems, communication issues, or dissatisfaction with the sexual dynamic.

7. Why does self-image play such a significant role in sexuality?

Touch-Me:
Why does self-image play such a significant role in sexuality?

Jeremy Heshof:
People bring their self-image into the bedroom. When someone doesn't find themselves attractive or valuable, that often affects the sexual experience as well.

Therefore, Jeremy doesn't just look at sex, but also at upbringing, attachment, and previous life experiences. According to him, these often hold important explanations for problems that later manifest in relationships.

8. What influence does upbringing have on intimacy?

Touch-Me:
What influence does upbringing have on intimacy?

Jeremy Heshof:
When someone has learned that sex is a topic not to be discussed, that can later lead to shame and reticence.

Jeremy regularly sees that sexual education influences how easily people communicate about desires, boundaries, and disappointments.

9. How can couples rebuild desire without pressure or performance anxiety?

Touch-Me:
How can couples rebuild desire without pressure or performance anxiety?

Jeremy Heshof:
According to Jeremy, desire begins with curiosity. What does desire mean to you? What do you need to get aroused? What does your partner need?

For one, desire begins with attention, cuddling, and appreciation. For another, much more directly. By making these differences discussable, space for connection often re-emerges.

10. What message does Jeremy want to give to couples?

Touch-Me:
What message does Jeremy want to give to couples?

Jeremy Heshof:
Jeremy concludes with a comparison between relationships and project management. At work, we evaluate, adjust, and discuss what could be improved. According to him, couples should do that too.

Keep talking, stay curious, and keep surprising each other. The biggest relationship killer, according to him, is routine. His most important message: create a sexual script together that works for your relationship, and don't be guided by averages or the expectations of others.